Monster Body Image

(SKULL MOUNTAIN, April 8) In a press conference held today in Skull Mountain's Hall of Pillars, Dungeon Lord Doombane announced the start of a publicity campaign calling attention to unrealistic images of monsters in gaming.

Then.

"A normal, healthy displacer beast should not have a nine-inch waist," he said, showing a picture from a Wizards of the Coast Monster Manual. "And this umber hulk? Bah! More like an umber husk if you ask me!"

Now.

Doombane contrasted media images from the past 10 years with those of an earlier generation. "They showed monsters of all body types and sizes, and it was perfectly all right, " he said. "In fact, the bulkier a beast, the scarier it was. Even stirges were plump little hairballs," he reminisced affectionately, "not the starving mosquitos from today's manuals."

"Mark my words, this impossible standard has baleful consequences for today's monster generation," he continued. "I had a neo-otyugh throw back a dwarf explorer the other day for being 'too fatty and gross.' And between the oversized weapons of today's adventurers and the skinny little Popeye limb joints of today's monsters, work-related mutilations are up 68% in Skull Mountain since 2001."

Doombane snapped his fingers, and a sniveling minion threw back a curtain, revealing a tray piled high with hard iron-ration biscuits and scraps of unnameable meats.

"Therefore I command you, monsters of today: HAVE A SANDWICH. OR ELSE!"