Vexed

 

  vexed

/vekst/

Annoyed, frustrated, or worried

 

The same grandmother that bequeathed unto me her ancient words gave me something else.  Doubt.  She was a very critical person.  She didn't like me much and took every opportunity she could to put me in my place. 

 

I remember making Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls when I was a teen.  The little outfits were so cute and I was quite proud of how they turned out.  I displayed them for her appraisal as she had a way with a needle.  Her response, "I will wait for the finished product."  Really?  She never saw the final product as I no longer cared for her opinion.  I brushed her dirt from my shoes and walked away.

 

Years later I realized that I hadn't truly walked away.  I doubted myself. I knew I wasn't good enough.  I would never be good enough.  I wrote but didn't share. I was frustrated because I wanted to grow as a writer and to do that you have to share. I couldn't.  I was frozen.

 

Last year I threw caution to the wind.  I took classes and started to feel less anxiety about sharing.  It was during one of these classes that I realized I had a 'Honey jar stuck on my nose'.  

 

It was from a song by Kenny Loggins.  Return to Pooh Corner.

One of the lyrics goes like this: 

Whinnie the Pooh doesn't know what to do.

Got a honey jar stuck on his nose.

 

The light went on for me.  For years I had been carrying around my grandmother Honey's gift of self doubt. 

 

When I found a little figurine of an 'unstuck' Pooh I put it on my desk to help remind me: "It is okay to doubt, that's normal. But if you are feeling stuck get the freaking pot of your nose and move forward.